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Death of a starling

Wednesday 5/20/20

Sadly, the baby bird from yesterday died. Emma texted me to say she didn't know what to do with it and the flies were bothering it--though it was dead--so I said I would get a paper bag and we could bury the bury the bird at sea. We put the bird in the bag, I put a rock in with it, and she let it go into the harbor at the end of this boat launch. Then we sat and talked in the park where I normally read and watch the rabbits for a couple hours, about her grandfather who died this spring and other things from her life. It can be kind of hard to talk to Emma because of where my life is right now. I am barely hanging on, and it's not like I can really let her see that. The subject of godparents came up and I had mentioned that I was not a godfather of any of my sister's kids, and Emma said I would not have the means to support them anyway if something happened, which is true enough right now. But it's not as though it's always going to be like this. I will get out of this situation. I will get past the people holding me back. I will. She asked me about what I eat, if I cook, and what I eat is pretty grim. You could see the displeasure on her face. I can't very well say, though, that I am simply trying to remain alive right now, which is exceedingly difficult, I am barely managing that, this is hell. The conditions of my life and living situation are bleak. They would be shocking for someone to see them up close. I try to keep going. I don't think that even this person necessarily believes in me or the outcome I am after, but that really does not matter. Doesn't help, kind of hurts, but I am used to it. What is going to matter is that I get where I am going. That's what is going to matter. People can say whatever they wish after that. They can express surprise, they can say they knew it would happen all along, they can say they didn't know it was possible for one person to effect so much change, and that won't matter. All that is going to matter is that I got there and what the work is able to do as a result. In addition to keeping going, I try to help people when I can, so I tried to help Emma today. She has had a lot of death in her young life, and I knew she was going to cry about this bird, and later she opened up about other things I know have been impacting her.

I mentioned the bird to my sister, who replied, "By burial at sea does that mean you threw it into the harbor?" which was funny and prompted me to reply, "Yeah, more or less."


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