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Stop breaking down

Monday 6/29/20

I've had the same air conditioner for at least twelve years and it has not worked in several years but it sort of blows cool air out of it though not very cool but now I have had to shut it off because it makes this gurgling sound and water drips out of it. Very hot and sweaty last night on the warped mattress which is also the only place to sit in this disaster space. Pick my way to the kitchen to start work at half past four, nearly wreck on the floor because the refrigerator spews a combination of water and flakes of metal because it leaks and the sides and bottom are coming off. It looks like part of an underwater shipwreck. I live in a horrible state, and then I have to sit at this desk, surrounding by the horrible state, and just work, create, deal with what is happening, trying to find a way out.


Watching a film now and figuring out a story. So much to write today. Need to have a number of things done before taping this podcast episode at 12:30. Patriots signed Cam Newton. I don't know what to think about that. I don't like his game at all. Also don't think he was anywhere near as good as people thought he was even in his MVP year. I hope this guy is not the quarterback, even though I don't expect the season to happen. These sports leagues are whistling past the graveyard, I think.


People are going to keep testing positive. If you want to have sports, things are going to have to go ahead with people testing positive. It's going to have to be viewed as athletes playing with the flu, but likely none of the symptoms. I think so much of this overblown, and people get off on doom porn now. Healthy people getting COVID-19 doesn't mean much at all. Maybe I've had it. No idea. I'm always out exercising. The elderly and people at risk should isolate. Everyone else should live their lives, in my view. I never see kids playing ball at a field and think, "Shame on them." I think, "good for them." Just like when I see a healthy, fit person, six feet away from everyone, on their own, no mask, doing their workout or having a restorative walk.


What is happening with mental health is a far bigger issue. Our life choices make us far more physically sick than we discuss in the open, and sicker than COVID-19 does; and we are far more mentally sick than anything else at all. That is your larger pandemic.


You see these scolds who scold constantly on social media, people perpetually stopped short in life by fear, and it's like, live your life, this kind of sickness is greater than this possible physical sickness, do something more than your latest form of shaming. There are so many so-called writers whose principal form of expression is scolding on social media. That's their "output," their body of work. Aren't you ashamed? Aren't you supposed to be this thing you tell everyone you are? What do you produce? Yes, tell your elderly parents to stay away, to don the mask, to have their kids do their shopping. But you also have to live your life. Personally, I would go sit in a football stadium or the Brattle or at Symphony Hall, but then again, given that pretty much just the elderly go to classical music concerts, I'd probably have the hall to myself and I'm wondering when and how the classical music world can resume--the in-concert part of it, that is, which is the biggest part of it.


And if you want to be less at risk, take care of yourself. You have a better quality of life than I do. You have more time than I do. You have friends, and things to look forward to, and people who are nice to you and a house and sex and whatever, and I have none of those things, and I have to force myself to have the will to swallow some water, brush my teeth. And I walked twenty-two miles over the weekend, ran thousands of steps, and worked a lot, created art, planned, listened, read, watched. You can do your version. And then you will be fine. You'll be physically fine, and, more importantly, mentally healthier. And as that happens, the world becomes a better place, and maybe the devolution is halted and we become sane again, smarter, and kinder to each other.