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The most cringe-inducing sports video ever made

Saturday 2/1/20

I think I have found it.


In the early 1980s, the Los Angeles Kings featured one of the greatest lines in hockey history, called the Triple Crown Line, with Marcel Dionne centering Dave Taylor and Charlie Simmer.



Dionne is one of the highest scorers in league history, despite his short stature. Dave Taylor--and I think I interviewed him for ESPN or The Atlantic back in 2012--was close to a point-a-game guy over his career, a Hall of Very Good player (sort of like West Coast Steve Larmer). Charlie Simmer was hurt a lot, but when he wasn't, he scored goals at an accelerated clip--he was first in the league in goals-per-game twice. During the 1980-81 season, they each had over 100 points. I'm not sure a line has ever done that. The Islanders' Trio Grande line of Gillies-Trottier-Bossy never did it. Gretzky and Kurri would obviously often have over 100 points, but the guy on the left side didn't. Maybe Esposito's line in 1970-71 with the Bruins.


Anyway. The video. Alan Thicke wrote this song, a jolly number about sexual assault, with said assault likened to a ten minute penalty. (I believe the money went to charity, at least.)


The singer--well, singers, so there is a forced foursome vibe in play--meanwhile asks the female in question to let him off the hook for what he did the night before so they can pick up where they left off, with more action (this was a time when sex was called action; or, in some circles, play; as in, "Did you get any play?").


My research--yes!--informed me that it "only" took one day to make this video. (Imagine if I said it was two week of shooting, then another four days of retakes?)


There is a rape whistle pun, and, of course, the hip-thrust dance that the boys do in Mario Lessard's crease. Dionne, in particular, looks like he is imagining himself humping someone doggy style. Then he does that weird thing where he wiggles his ass in the camera, like he's shaking off his dick.


Granted, he was tired of overtime love.


Let's rock! (Jeff Beck plays the guitar solo at the end. I'm lying. Jeff Beck does not appear on "Forgive My Misconduct.")