Sunday 9/18/22
It's 6:30. I'm heading out. Trying to keep going. Forcing myself. I'm putting this up quickly. It says a lot. Yesterday was my birthday. I don't include that information anywhere on social media, because I'd only get yet another reminder of how hated I am. And feared. Envied. And that I over-awe people to such a degree in everything I do and am and create that they can't show me the kind of token kindness that they show anyone. The Admiral--whom I did hear from yesterday--posted what you see below on my Facebook page. 5000 people saw this. As you can see, not a single one of them said happy birthday either here or to me privately. We all know how this works. We all see birthday stuff on FB every day. You can be an evil witch, you can be a Nazi, and 700 people wish you a happy birthday. Not with me. Not one person. Not a family member, a friend--again, I don't really have friends--a co-worker. Not someone I work for for free, and maybe have done so to the tune of hundreds of hours of work which is better than anything else anyone has ever given them. Nobody. You've never seen anything like this of course. You might not believe it if told you about it. Well, you would if you followed along and knew what was actually happening. Do you know what it's like living as the most detested, feared, envied person in human history, because of unique good qualities? Can you even imagine that hell? There isn't even anyone who would say happy birthday to you, so you have to keep the day a secret. It's funny, too--and totally typical--because while this was going on, and I just wanted to die like I always do, I went out of my way to help some people yesterday. That's what I did. I worked out so I can endure this constant level of abuse, and I helped some people. Offered to take someone to the hospital. Reached out to a child whose father was in the hospital yesterday with heart issues and whose mother was in the hospital last week ("I understand there's been a little health stuff in your family. I assume you know this, but if you ever need anything, you let me know. Someone to take you somewhere, help you with whatever, talk to, etc.). Talked to someone about their mental health problems--which temporarily cost them their ability to walk, and put them in the ICU--standing in the street, as they struggled with their footing, trying to get them to do what their doctors have advised them to do with both their PT and their mental counseling. But there it is. I'm not counting my mom and my sister in this.
