top of page

Three things I encounter dozens of times daily that terrify me

Wednesday 8/28/19

1. The number of people who think "should have" is "should of." The number of people who think that "should have" is "should of" who argue vehemently online while attempting to crow about their intelligence and ingenious rhetorical flourishes.

2. The number of adults--it is, I would say, ninety percent of them--who, as they descend the Bunker Hill Monument, express great surprise that it is easier to go down stairs than go up them. Many, going up, will say, "It might be easier coming down." Gee, you think so, Sammy Scientist? Some will say--to their children, no less--"Hmmm, it's easier going down, I wonder why that is." Call in Holmes, call in Dupin, better get a team of physicists in here, too! Rare is the adult who does not comment, with genuine surprise in their voice, a tone of utter bafflement, that it's actually easier to descend. This tells me that most adults in America--I think I'm getting a pretty good sample size in the Monument--have no clue what gravity is, gravity being one of the most basic tenets of, well, reality here on Earth. And if you don't even know what gravity is, how it more or less, kinda, sorta, works, what do you know? What could you even know?

3. The number of people who believe their personalities, their essence, the bulk of their identity and persona, are largely determined by how close the Earth was to the sun when they were born. I'm not going to speak for the male side of things, though I would guess that it's similar, I just don't see that side of things, but if you are on a dating app, ninety percent of the women, which is a conservative estimate, are going to tell you, in their profile, what their star sign is. These profiles are capped. That is, you are afforded only so many characters. But if one of these people only says one thing about themselves, which is their big, salient thing they wish you to know, their thing above all things, it is their star sign. Veterinarians and doctors will say this. People of science. If, when I next go to my cardiologist, he were to ask me what my star sign was, I would leave, I would leave fast, I would never come back. And, if I were leaving via the stairs, and thus heading downwards, I would not say, "Hmmm, for some reason it is easier going down stairs than up stairs."


Commenting has been turned off.
bottom of page