Wednesday 5/22/24
I must find a way to locate energy and motivation. Be a tidal wave and not a stream or droplets of moisture against the wall.
It's like I'm dazed with how much I have to do and how little hope there is. I feel like I sit blinking and blinking and blinking before a sun that looms up over the galaxy and it's just I on this tiny stool in front of it.
I come up with more and more and more. Every kind of thing and I don't like saying the words kind of thing because it's like I'd be doing more of something that already exists and adding stock to preexisting categories when that is not the case with me and couldn't be. But where can any of it go and how can it get to the world? And even if a pathway to the world ever opened up, how would the world ever permit there being so much from one person?
This morning as I listened to the birds singing and calling out in the darkness, I thought of Rockport and what it would be like to be awake there at the same hour and go outside, all alone, everyone else asleep, to walk and hear those birds and smell the sea, watch the waves break from a point above the town, knowing I had come through, and that I could go back home and create my art for the world and it would get to the world, there wouldn't be people trying to make sure that it doesn't, and then I could just be and be happy. Be as deeply happy and fulfilled as a person could ever be.
And then I think, "You have to find a way to locate energy and motivation."
