Friday 11/10/23
I'm not doing enough of anything--by the standard I have determined as what is necessary for me right now--and that includes in the areas of health and fitness which are so crucial to the work and the war I am in. A war against bigots and cowards in which I am making progress.
There is not a single day without much work and there hasn't been in more than ten years. All of these mornings up and at it before the dawn, and often by two o'clock. What then happens is I don't feel like I max out on the day, which is what I must be doing right now.
This is a very important time for me. Not doing so is mitigated to some degree because work is done every day. There's no Saturday where I say, "Oh, let's take today off, have some fun, relax." That possibility doesn't exist exist until this war is won. Until I am out of this thing that is worse than hell. But I must find a way to meet the standard I have determined is best--as in what will abet my cause the most--right now.
I had a strange dream the other night that I was at some house--which were informal offices--pitching a book to Rolling Stone about Creature from the Black Lagoon. Most odd. In this dream, I had the knowledge that once this book would have been a slam dunk, but things had changed now, and they wanted garbage. There was no cheap, gratuitous angle was the problem. Was his costume rigged up to his dick, they wanted to know Was there anything tacky like that? No? Well, probably couldn't do it, then, but check back in a year.
In the dream I was having a conversation with this smart woman I was with. She was highly intelligent. Twenty-four. Maybe she was twenty-four because someone said to me the other day, "You're going to get past all of these evil people, you're going to change the world, and I can see you married to some hot twenty-four-year-old with a kid in a few years." They were being a little funny with the "hot" thing and just picked an age. I'm hard to keep up with--impossible to keep up with--for anyone of any age, so people tend to say things like that.
The kid part is somewhat surprising. I think they said it because children like me. But I think I just have too many other interests and passions to want that. It's like the people who think it's impossible that I don't have kids because of when I write about them. How could a man who has been alone for so long--entirely alone--write "Best Present Ever"? I'm not other people. I'm not some other writer. I'm not some other genius. I am this thing apart from everything else there has been or is going to be.
In my dream, I told this woman about the pitch at the house/office. I was very down. And she said that the time will come when nothing will be like any of this again--and she didn't mean because I was dead, I knew that, but rather that I would see and have what I wished and deserved to see and have well within my time, and for a long time--and for now, how about coming away with her to Cape Cod for the weekend, because all is going to come through anyway.
I woke up wishing to speak to her, but I knew that was impossible, because that is of course how it goes with a dream. But maybe she is out there. Everything here will be different, will happen differently, because it will have to be. I've known that for a long time. The "if you publish blank in blank, then this happens in following," is true for everyone else, save this one person in myself, because we all know that I stand apart. The people who love me know that and the people who hate me and want me dead know that. The issue is not, Is he really this thing?
I'm not barred and stood against with desperate, pathological obsession, and fear, and envy, because of what I'm not. People know what I am, generally speaking, even if the particulars, the details, are beyond the ken of what most humans can accept or understand that another human could be, without a mental approach to a subject unlike any they've taken before, and openness, and time with what I am, so as to better understand it.
But maybe contact--even if it's just an idea before it comes to a kind of humanly fruition--is established with me while I sleep after fretting about not doing what I need to do to the fullest extent, and awaking with those concerns continuing. I can do something about that, and I will do that now. I was going to provide an account of recent health-related things because I like to keep track of it to some degree, but that would be out of place now in this entry, so we'll save that.
