I am the proof of what I am the proof of

Monday 10/19/26

After my sedentary, ghost-like Saturday, I wanted to make sure I got around a bit more in the land of the living yesterday even while I am deep and alone in something worse than hell. I've also let too many of these autumn days go by without seeing sights I should.

In a better life, I'd be frequenting my favorite spots: Concord, the Blue Hills, Cape Ann, Ipswich, Cape Cod, Salem. I struggle to lift a hand to my mouth to brush my teeth, though, and my unhappiness and suffering is overwhelming. Enjoyment of anything isn't possible, never mind the idea of going somewhere and realistically thinking or having any hope it could be a part of my regular life, as trips to Rockport once meant when I dreamed of a future.

I know there's no chance of that future, or any future but more and more suffering, for me now. There isn't even anyone who understands any of this. No family member. I have no friends. I am increasingly of the belief, too, that there's nothing anyone can understand, not really, no matter how often and well you say it, and the evidence and volume of it presented. Visiting a place I want to have as this regular part of my life and knowing it won't be while I am there is too much to bear.

But I could get out and walk for a while through the Common and the Public Garden and the Commonwealth Avenue Mall so I did that after first scheduling an appointment at CVS to receive no less than three vaccines. I'll take any vaccine you got; no problem for me. Or I won't take any at all; also no problem for me. I don't care. But since they're there and I walk past, sure, give me the juice. I understand how science works. A little extra precaution can't hurt.

I'd also be cool if they weren't available. I have confidence in how I live and the health choices I make. I don't drink. I don't eat red meat. I don't eat anything bad really. No pizza, nothing like that. I don't even eat bread. I run thousands of stairs up and down a large obelisk most days of my life. Everything I drink is meant to help my heart.

I've put my faith in these strictures I rigorously adhere to through my discipline and what is the absurd irony of my commitment to my work and being able to create it as long as possible despite my full knowledge that I have no chance and it will never matter. That's the truth. A truth that the few people in a position to never faced with me. Don't face now. Leaving me to it. To suffer as I do without truly being seen and heard. Being seen and heard counts for so much, even when no outcomes are changed as a result.

The weather was beautiful. Every day this October has been beautiful. It got up into the mid-70s earlier in the week but that was fine with me because it wasn't humid. I shot a quick video after finishing up in the Bunker Hill Monument that day. Normally in these videos the sweat is visibly dripping off my face; not this one. My clothes, of course, were soaked through, but weren't saturated. Again, really warm, but the humidity is the big determinant.

My initial plan was to walk through Beacon Hill on the return portion of my walk, but I didn't have time if I was going to make my appointment at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was very nice. She told me I was likely to have some soreness and fatigue after administering the vaccines, but I have a method which I'll share here that I use to avoid these things and to keep myself from feeling sick post-vaccines.

Immediately after receiving the vaccines--which has been two-at-a-time for me in recent years; this was my first time getting three at once--I run thousands of stairs.

That's the trick. This stops me from having adverse effects. Any of that fatigue or feeling sick. Why? My theory: I sweat out what I need to sweat out, and also my mental discipline and commitment to fitness sends a message to my physical self that this shouldn't register, let alone slow us--me--down for as much as a minute.

That's all you have to do: get your shots, then run a few thousand stairs. I feel like if I didn't do this and instead watched football and stuffed food down my throat that I would surely end up sick. Is that true? I suppose it may very well not be. I personally believe, though, that mind has real say in physical matters. The mind can have an attitude. That attitude impacts the body. That's what I believe for myself.

You have all these anti-vax Republicans. Given their oft-caveman-like levels of education--without a caveman's ingenuity--they believe that the purpose of a vaccine is to create this force field that stops one from getting whatever one has been vaccinated against, rather than reducing the effects of what that thing is should one come down with it.

That's how stupid people are. I think it's funny that this person who lives as I live and for the reasons I do, with the commitment and discipline I have, while being scared of doctors and medical settings, has no problem with vaccines. I guess it's a quirk.

The other day I was walking back from the Seaport. It was the morning. This woman had a 7-Eleven Big Gulp soda in one hand, a box from Mike's Pastry in the other, and a cigarette in her mouth.

What are the chances she wasn't a Trump voter? What are the chances she's ever read a book? What are the chances she's not an anti-vaxxer?

The irony that these people are usually heaping piles of flab, with the eating and drinking habits they have, and with smoking brought into the mix here. But you're an expert on what to do in order to be physically healthy? You can't even put down the bear claw and keep yourself from consuming a liter of soda a day.

Many anti-vaxxers would detest me, because here we have this guy who will readily take whatever's on offer if he doesn't need to pay for it, who does the singular workout routine and keeps fit and healthy that way. What could one say to me? I am the proof of what I am the proof of.

Which isn't to say I did a great job fitness-wise last week. I only made it to Charlestown three times. Yesterday, in total, I walked eight miles, ran five circuits of stairs in the Monument, and once again did the random-ish number of 135 push-ups.

This is the anniversary week of my sister's death, so I texted my other sister asking if she was going to see our mother and/or get her out of the house on the day of the anniversary itself, then I called my mom to check on her, which I did while running stairs.

My mom's older brother, who is eighty-four, is making a trip to Vermont soon with his son and daughter. He lost his wife and then his child in childbirth, or right after. They're going to visit their graves for their own shared horrible anniversary. He has someone dropping him off at the airport and picking him up at the other one.

I wrote my uncle the following this morning:

It's coming up on three in the morning here in Boston on Monday 10/19 and I'm up for work. I wanted to send you a quick note because you have been on my mind lately regarding your upcoming trip to Vermont. I'm not sure exactly when you're going--I think it isn't for a few days--but I wanted to say I hope it goes as well as possible. I think you will be glad you went.

I'm sure it means an awful lot to Susie and Tim, and of course I know--or I have a sense of, I mean--the pain you've carried around for all that time and which you've had to find a way to live with and put out of plain view so that you could be the father, husband, sibling, uncle, man, person that you are for others. I have always admired you, looked up to you, thought of what you would do when I am in certain situations, as I did and do with my father. You will be in my thoughts.

By the way: don't stress the travel. It'll be perfectly fine. The hardest part is getting to the airport anyway. There will be plenty of people--both airport employees and fellow travelers--who will be more than happy to point you in the right direction if that's what you need. Love, Colin

It's never okay not to be a good person. There's no excuse. Nor does failing to be a good person restrict us from being one moving forward. But for a good person, there's no, "If I wasn't so busy, I'd do these good person things but I can't right now." There is no "later"; it's always, equally now.

Nothing in our lives, no matter how awful, is justifiable reason not to be a good person. A good person wouldn't say, "I couldn't be a good person because I have a lot going on."

That's what someone who has no idea what it even means to be a good person thinks.

Doing the right things and being that good person aren't dependent on how well things are going for them. Time has nothing to do with it. Even if people didn't have more than enough time, and everyone does. You aren't trying to save humanity all by yourself, are you?