Search

"I Don't Think We Should Be Doing This," short story excerpt

Thursday 7/14/22

I don't think we should be doing this.

Heart beats, shirt moves. Could throw up.



I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE DOING THIS.



Don't fucking freak out. Breathe deep. In, out. Again. Deep breaths. Inner voice calm. As if words whispered as precious secret.


I don't think we should be doing this.

It's not totally taking. Sinking in as the way to go. I don't know. Because if we don't do it—

Still.

We really shouldn't be doing this.

Get a grip. Plainly ringing bell. Nothing has been done yet. Ring with calm.

We

Really

Shouldn't

Be

Doing

This.

But if we don't do it, who will?

Stop, stop. stop. Let's think about this. Think about it some more.

You make a sandwich. Two pieces of bread. Lettuce goes on that one, cheese the other.

Wereallyshouldntbedoingthis.

Don't hiss. Think. Right is on one side, wrong the other. Shhhh. Shhh shhh shhh.

But what if we do do it? What is the risk and what is the reward?

In the reward category—no one else is going to do it. But that's not a reward.

Then again…



Right prevails. Truth prevails. The truth will out. So put it out.



But does it? Seems like it often doesn’t. Normally doesn’t?

Lives are gonna be fucked up, man. But they didn’t just make the bed—it’s like they invented sleep.



Still, what is the biggest truth there is?



Um…

When you have it coming, you have it coming.



That one.



These evil fucks. Getting away with it.

Still...

We really shouldn't be doing this.

But, yeah. I don't know.

A lot of people would be helped. In theory. When this gets out there.

But then the pushback. Is it worse than now, though? What would worse than now even look like?

Someone has to do it. Wait. It's not that someone has to do it. But if someone was able to do it, maybe they’d have to do it.

Can doing the right thing just end you?

But it could also work out big time. It could be what it took in the end.

I don't know. Maybe we should do it.

Respect isn't going to pay the bills. A lot of people will be scared. They won't associate.

That's a problem of doing it. They can have all of the love and admiration for you, but people have never been brave.

Ah, these fucking cowards. And we're talking the better people. They require a pack to openly follow anything.

It is so hard to follow

Alone.

But it takes but one person

To lead.

The days when it is easy to let it fly. And no voice says

I don't think we should be doing this.

Those days when the fear is gone.

There is drive, and anger, but it's not bad anger. The anger of drive.

Of hanging in there.

Of you will not get me to flinch.

Adrenaline in veins.

Conviction in veins.

Spirit in veins.

The human spirit.

The.

Human.

Spirit.

The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The.

The.

THE.

Not A.

The.

And everything...

And everything...

And everything...and oh God, and everything...

Where is it then? Because it goes away.

It does not enter a picture in which it does not belong.

Do you remember those days?

The doubt is not there. The "what if." The fear. The concern over retribution.

No questions of "is it worth it?" There is no palavering about whether or not to take the chance. No hesitation.

Life is not weighed that way. There’s no versus when you do it right. There is an absolute. Not two hands, but one.

Those are not idle moments.

Those are not false moments.

They are not moments of bluster.

They are not staged moments.

They're not had and felt so as to tell someone they were had and felt.

It's because they speak to what needs to be done. That's why they are untainted.

And fear does not contaminate them. Has no voice in those moments on those days.

Because they are doing the real talking. Telling the answer all along.

You get that it's that "the," right?

Don't disavow what you know.

Don't unmake what you are.

Don't go to bed with a person you can't sleep with.

Don't walk past a mirror you can't look at.