Nightmare; "Hero" work; stairs and episode of Route 66 from 1962 featuring footage of the Bunker Hill Monument
- Aug 12
- 3 min read
Wednesday 8/12/26
I had another nightmare about Molly last night. This one featured night scenes. In one of them, we were at the gym during the evening. Why, I have no idea. But dreams don't need to make sense in that manner, do they? The sense they make can be in other areas. I don't go to the gym, of course. My gym, as such, is outside. And back then I didn't work out at all. I'm definitely not proud of that.
I was using the bench press and trying to lift more weight than I ever had. She was supposed to be giving me a spot. I struggled with the weight and needed help, but she just stood there. Two guys who were also working out had to run over and help me. Afterwards, when we were back outside, she insisted on going off and getting me McDonald's while I went somewhere else. It was important that she go alone on this errand. She actually ran off in order to procure what would be copious bags of McDonald's.
My life is such, and the way I am treated is such, that on some days, even many days, I will look back with much pain in my heart, even longing, on earlier days and their events, their conversations, when she seemed to be kind to me and to care about me. This is very hard, as one can imagine, on another lonely, hopeless Tuesday afternoon all these years later, as well as with the knowledge and reality and of what she ultimately did.
This has more to do, I think, with being hated by so many people, and also let down by the few people who were supposed to be on my side and care for me. And also what each day looks like. And that it's always just me, with nothing to live for. People underestimate small kindnesses. Seeing someone later rather than seeing no one ever at all, and looking forward to that, knowing they won't be awful to you.
I wish I had happier things to report here. A happy thing. But there is nothing like that now. I'm not expecting there ever will be.
Was supposed to go to the Brattle yesterday for a science fiction/horror double feature of Earth vs. the Flying Saucers and The War of the Worlds, but this didn't happen because I got caught up in something I was doing regarding my story "Hero of Mine." For a few weeks I had been thinking about something I'd perhaps add to it, but I'd have to get into the story and see if that would work. I did make the addition and that led to some other changes and some new parts, and it was all so outstanding. This took a few hours, but they were hours that passed in no time. I just kept working at it. Then I put it aside. I'll go back in later and see how it looks. But my sense last night afterwards was of having done something very significant and which no one else could do in a work of art that no one else could create. Not that anyone will ever see it probably.
Then I listened to Blind Willie Johnson and read Samuel Butler.
Ran 3000 stairs yesterday at City Hall and did my 100 push-ups. The dew point was 67 degrees and that made it harder than it had been the day before but I did okay with this stock unit amount. Was bent over a few times, hands on knees, but I'm unsure if that counts as taking a break.
I sent one of the rangers at the Bunker Hill Monument a link to the January 5, 1962 "To Walk with the Serpent" episode of Route 66 that opens with this five-minute segment at Bunker Hill saying perhaps they'd find this interesting and would like to share it with the other rangers. Almost everything looks the same, the one difference being there's a stand off to the right in the lodge before you exit that building to make your way into the Monument itself. The Monument should be open today (for a while anyway), but we'll have to see.
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