People often have terrible advice for how to stop drinking; here is some good advice

Friday 8/7/26

Recently I saw some statements by Ben Affleck regarding drinking. He talks about drinking a lot and what he says I often find to be quite harmful in just how wrong it is. This time he was saying that the only way a person can stop drinking is by...

Well, it doesn't really matter how he finished that thought. It's already a dangerous thought. An unhelpful thought.

After I stopped drinking, I became acutely aware of how many people said that the manner in which I stopped drinking would never work, that it was impossible, that no one could do it the way I had done it. You had no chance.

Let's say I was someone else, and I saw and heard people saying these things either before I got started trying to stop drinking, or during the process, or even anytime afterwards, when I could have started drinking again.

The expectation would be that you'd fail. Here were all these voices loudly, unwaveringly saying as much.

You can see how that wouldn't help a person. Perhaps they wouldn't be able to block out the noise and it'd get to them. Definitely stop them from believing, which can undercut one's efforts.

The way I stopped was supposed to be an impossible way. I made a decision. I stuck to my decision. I stopped at the hour I determined would be the final hour after many years. That was it.

People will say, "You must have support or there's no chance." I didn't have support. None. I had many people who hated me (and who hated me more afterwards when they came here and read about this thing I had done).

I had no quality of life. I had no reason to live. It feels like I have less now, if that's possible. Nothing to look forward to. No people who depended on me, wanted me, loved me. Completely alone. Knowing that after I stopped drinking, my life would continue to get worse. That it isn't humanly endurable, unless you count by me, and would become harder, if that's possible--and it was--in that regard.

I had no reason to stop, really, because I had and have no reason to live. Or for what? To create the best art ever for no one to see and have it just sit here with me? That's worse than having no ability at all. It's worse for living. For trying to go another day without ending it. That's what I had to look forward to, post-drinking.

But my way worked. It was the way for me.

Each time I go to Trader Joe's in the Seaport, I walk past a church with a little marquee out front that mentions the weekly AA meeting that is held there. I think about all the people who need those meetings. Who need a good sponsor they can call when they're severely challenged.

This wasn't the way for me. I'm glad when I see this sign, because it's a way for other people. As much their way as my way was my way.

And this is the key idea here. There is no one way to stop drinking. There's no better way, there's no best way, there's no way it has to be. Any way that works for you, no matter what it is, is the right way.

That can take so many different forms. It can be highly structured, it can be random, it can involve an invaluable support system of people, it can be you and your dog, it can be Sam Malone in the "Endless Slumper" episode from the first season of Cheers with his lucky bottle cap (his way wasn't really about the bottle, as we see in the episode, but it had something to do with it for him). All ways are equally valid and any way is potentially as effective as any other way because that way can be someone's way and that's all that matters.

You can't project here. You can't be some arrogant, narcissistic jerk like Ben Affleck and piss and moan your troubles onto others. That's very passive aggressive and selfish.

Some people look in their child's eyes and see a reflection of all that they could be doing for that child which they are not or won't be able to. Some people bottom out. Some people hurt people in twisted ways.

But you know what I've learned, too? This same idea goes for people in their lives who don't have drinking problems, or who never take a drink. Who hurt people because of these other issues they have, including that of the person they are. Their morality.

It's very similar. But we don't speak about those things, because with them it's not as easy to identify a culprit, that is, the bottle. But the bottle really takes all forms that have nothing to do with the bottle.

I mentioned that person I've known for thirty years who is the worst person I've known in a life in which I've crossed paths with many bad people. Their behavior is much like that of the hurtful alcoholic, though now we're talking morality. They're someone who can't consider for even a second how immoral they are, never mind accept, repent, change, make amends.

These are essential things. To change who we are when we're not who we should be as a person, or to overcome a drinking or drug issue. Strength is required, yes. Commitment. But also humility.

We can't wag the finger. We can't try to shout over someone. Often, that person we're trying to shout over is ourselves. A guiding voice inside of us that many people, especially in this world, have found methods to silence forever. Our age specializes in the manufacture of those deleterious tools.

Your best way may be a way no one has ever done it before. With giving up alcohol, but not necessarily just alcohol either. Every bit as valid. Every bit as effective as any other method because it is what works for you. That's the sole criteria. There's no "one size fits all" here.

We can express it almost like a catechism:

There is no right way to stop drinking.

There is no best way to stop drinking.

There's just your way, whatever that is.