I barely hang on as it is, and more problems like the ones of today just highlight how awful this situation is and how tenuous my existence feels. How poor I am. How alone I am. I can't reach out to anyone for comfort or for them to be there, anything like an "I got you, it'll be okay" or "chill, we'll get it figured out." I have one person I can call up and somewhat count on. I'm just so alone. I'm always terrified. I hate being in this apartment as it is, too. Filthy and embarrassing and nothing works, everything is falling apart, the wall outside the tub is rotted and coming away from the tub. It's so many things, and I'm busting my ass to get a hundred dollars coming in.
I tried to regather by getting a coffee and sitting in this park near me. I thought I'd make some notes for a couple of these new books I'm planning. Then I came back here and sent out the op-ed some more. Just desperate. Even sent it to places that have a circulation of like a million that won't even pay me. Just so I don't waste the piece.
I still hadn't showered, I never find time to eat before six o'clock at night, and finally after writing more emails I go to take a shower and the hot water is out. I contacted the plumber who I believed was upstairs in that other unit today that poured all of the water into here. I don't want anyone coming in and seeing how I live. I know it's horrifying. And I can't afford a plumber. For this thing that happened upstairs. So he says that the pilot light probably went out from all of the water, but if they can't get it re-lit, I have a problem. I have a gas water heater, and it vents to a chimney. They don't make that kind of water heater anymore. So if they can't get it restarted--and it'd have to be replaced at some point anyway--then I'd need an electric water heater, which would cost more. But more than that, they don't last as long, and he's not sure one would fit in this heating cabinet I have. So what? I'm homeless then? But I was just working my ass off today and then all of this is added to everything else.
I just took a freezing cold shower because I was so gross. If I am ever not in this situation and I have my houses in Rockport and on the Cape, I will absolutely shudder over the memory of these years here in hell. I am going to be traumatized and have PTSD from my own past living situation. On top of everything else there's been, from Molly to this industry that wants to end me to the complete aloneness.
But at least now, according to this factoid image, my mood and focus have been improved.
This is not good. This is just not good. Sneakers absolutely falling apart. Refrigerator floods every morning. Covered in rust. Jesus Christ, God. Why are you doing this? What the hell have I done? You give someone more talent than you've given anyone else, more strength, more will, more knowledge, more drive. And they're a good person, and they work so hard, and they mastered all of that ability, and they have so much for this world and that the world needs and would love. And they're here. What kind of joke is this? What kind of sick joke is this? What otherworldly level is this joke playing out at? Look at all of these people with no ability and no knowledge and no decency and they're just awful humans and they haven't worked as hard in their lives as I do in a week and they're just handed everything, and I have to exist like this? Are you trying to get me to kill myself? Then what? You get my soul? What the fuck is happening here. There is no comparison between me and these people. And the universe needs to crush me? Why? Why was I given what I was given then? To make the crushing all the sweeter? Is that what God is?