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Thursday 11/5/20

Walked seven miles. I picked out a birthday present for my nephew. I wanted to find him something that he could read later--he's just learning how--but which also had good pictures so he could enjoy that now and follow a story. I came across a graphic novel of Dracula that seems to use parts of Stoker's original novel for the text. He likes Dracula--that's who he was for Halloween. Hopefully he'll enjoy that. One year I gave him The Sibley Guide to Birds, and he's really into birds now, so I think I had a little influence there in a positive way. I guess that's what I offer? I know about cool stuff and I make it seem fun. And I know about stuff that parents don't know about, so that's probably my use. Someone said to me the other day something about how I'd never have kids. I don't think they'd be for me. There's too much out there that means too much to me. That I want my life to be about if I am ever out of this hell. But I said to this person that they didn't know that. What age am I? Look at the shape I keep myself in, look at my spirit, even now. I never think of myself as belonging to a space-time continuum, save in that I must get to where I am going while I am here on this earth, and hopefully when I am in the prime of life.


But I live like a monk. I am in better shape than I was when I was twenty. Look at my workouts, the distances I cover. If this works out, I intend later to be running up and down that Monument ten straight times at ninety-years-old, and I am dead serious about that. I would not give in to age. If I give in to anything, it will be what I am dealing with right now. It may be more than any person who has ever lived can stand. Endure. There are many days when I think I would have been the last human standing had everyone gone through this, and for quite a spell, but maybe I have reached the end of as far as I could go. Giving up alcohol was big for me on the physical front. But the key with keeping going, physically, with the workouts, is never to stop. To always push. If you always push, you can do it every day, you just keep adding days and years. It's not like one day after doing it regularly that you can't do it. It's when you stopped for a long time. People stop. At whatever age. You stop at a certain age, you may very well never be able to begin again, no matter how hard you try. Look at all of the retired professional athletes. They stop. They balloon up. They could never do again what they used to do in terms of training. But they could have if they kept going with those workout routines.


Me, I don't stop. If I looked at that Monument and knew I could not run up and down it five times, I'd be disgusted with myself. That would eat right through me. I won't let that happen if I'm 105. But that's only if I get out of this situation. My fear then is that the universe will immediately smite me. I made a plan today that if I am back in my house in Rockport and I have that Cape Cod house, too, that I will never bicycle on the side of the road. What I could see happening is I'm back in Rockport, major triumph, I weep tears of joy, I flail and weep, and hug my house, the happiest I have ever been, maybe anyone has ever been after going through this, it's the first weekend, I'm up early, I get on the bike, salt air in my lungs, and I get hit and killed by a drunk driver. I could totally see that happening if I get back to Rockport. So no bike rides on the side of the road. Official policy. I decided that today when I saw a woman biking on Comm. Ave. and cars were at her back and she didn't seem totally sure of herself and the cars were close and I thought, "right, scrap that future plan for much coastal biking."


I need to do a good job over the next several days and make the changes I have to make to get a cleaner draft of the Sam Cooke book to Bloomsbury. My contact there has been a life-saver--she has been just about as kind to me as anyone has ever been in publishing. This has been a really hard time--obviously--on many fronts, and she's been nothing but understanding when it took me a while to give them what I was supposed to give them. Without that kindness, things would have been even harder.


Must also get Brackets back to Dzanc. Then, in short order, I have to write a film book before this year is out and get that to the publisher.


Got my Advil at the CVS for these migraines I have been having. Went to Bova's, the bakery that is open every hour of the year here in the North End. I was the only customer, waiting for the woman behind the counter to stop fiddling with her phone, when another woman came in, saw me waiting, and then just made her order. Nice. Rudeness is not a gender or sex thing. I'm not going to get into the terms. There is no mansplaining. There is no womansplaining. People are often just rude as can be. She knew I was waiting. I would have been mortified to behave that way--couldn't pull that off if I had to.


Came up with a Beatles idea for a piece. I have two that would be for next month, which would be excellent, if I can find venues.