Tuesday 3/28/23
The other day, someone was talking to me about my drinking, specifically about the alcohol I used to consume. This record has covered all of that. The phrase "Such and such"--or "So and so"--"drove me to drink" came up, on account of how it has been uniquely inverted in my life.
I said to this person that the bigots of publishing had driven me not to drink. That is the reason, above all, I don't drink. These bigots.
It's a remarkable statement. To it I added that they are also why I am out there nearly every day running those stairs. These people are terrified of me. They should be. They have always been terrified of my mind. My ability. My legitimacy. Even my goodness. But imagine knowing that someone changed huge parts of how they lived just so they could beat you in all of your evilness. Who would do that? I can't think of anyone else.
I've mentioned this before, but I am struck by it, so I will mention it again. When I return from running stairs and am back in the building, I untie my sneakers as I come up the stairs. I do this so I don't have to stand and stop outside the door--I won't waste that time. If you put your foot on a stair to bend down and untie the laces, the tendency is to then pull that foot back down afterwards. I don't allow myself to do this. Instead, I bring up the other foot. The reason is because I refuse to even make this signal to myself that it is okay to go backwards. That's how ingrained purpose is in me.
Sometimes at night, I will put on an old game as a means of getting ready to sleep. Do you know what game I often have on? It's Game 3 of the 2004 ALCS. Why that game of all games? It was brutal, if you're a Red Sox fan. The Red Sox, already trailing 2-0 in that series to the Yankees, returned home to Fenway and were destroyed by a score of 19-8. They had last won a World Series in 1918, and the score itself is suggestive of that date. If you go down 3-0 in a series, you're done, unless maybe in hockey.
I watch that Game 3 to see just what done looks and sounds like, which isn't the same as truly done, despite all appearances. It's even in how the announcers are calling the game. The tone. I watch that game because it represents the bottom of before. The lowest level of before. Everything that entails. The next day--the very next day--things began to look and sound different, because they were becoming different. I always keep that in mind with where I am right now because of these bigots. I keep it in mind, I continue on, and I make sure I am more ready each moment than I was the moment before for when the time comes.