Why fans of 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians are less likely to be dicks

Tuesday 12/9/25

Excerpt from a piece I wrote this morning.

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Had you told someone who didn’t know of this film that you accidentally encountered it on Christmas Eve at two in the morning and watched the whole thing wondering if this was really happening, they’d think you were putting them on and you might begin to wonder if that’s what you were doing to yourself as well. The cold light of winter morning won’t help. Back-checking the TV listings may give you peace of mind in this season of peace. But mostly, you are on your own.

A Martian named Voldar (Vincent Beck) doesn’t agree with Chochem’s plan and attempts to assassinate Santa and put an end to this earth-influenced folderol. There are green-painted faces, loads of visible Martian suit zippers, and a song unlike anything you’ve ever heard. The latter will remain with you until your dying day, and that’s if you’re lucky and it doesn’t follow you into the next world. If death has an upside, perhaps it’s being free of the soundtrack of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Small mercy, you say? Why don’t you watch the movie first.

Having said that, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a delight. To sit alone at some ungodly hour and hunker down with this zaniest of Christmas films is like being in on something reserved for the very few. Similar to those who witness a miracle. A star in the east that stops right above a certain barn? Okay, that’s going too far, but it isn’t to say that there are those in this life who have seen Santa Claus Conquers the Martians—and who watch it multiple times—and there are those who haven’t, and these people aren’t the same.

One might even go so far as to remark that those in the former camp are likelier to be better people who give of themselves, because to do requires a degree of and appreciation for wonder and what passes as strangeness, given that looking out for number one is just about everyone’s norm. That which is special is always somewhat strange, because it isn’t common. A person for whom Santa Claus Conquers the Martians counts as a viewing tradition is probably less likely to be a dick. Bells worth ringing.