Drinking truths

Saturday 7/27/24

I estimate that I used to have 150 drinks per week.

That's a real number, unfortunately.

It could get as high as 200.

I did not become larger than I was--which was problematic enough--because of how active I'd be, partially to counteract the drinking.

For instance, I walked 3000 miles per year in a number of those years. I'd sweat out the booze, but you can only do so much. That is, if this was a race or a contest between drinking and how active you were physically, drinking would win.

I knew how bad it was what I was doing.

I knew that if I continued it would kill me.

There were all kinds of signs of my body failing me. Heart issues being most notable. My pulse was fast and I developed an irregular heartbeat.

I took milk thistle pills for my liver.

I didn't have hangovers. I didn't get drunk. But I consumed and consumed and consumed.

I ended up in the hospital because of my heart.

But I also knew I would quit. I didn't doubt that.

I got out when I had to get out.

Things just kept getting worse. Not because of drinking. Because of everything else. The situation I'm in. Things just get worse. A truism has been--given the nature of both the publishing system and the world--that the better I get, the worse things get. That has been the case, too, every year over these eight plus years since I stopped drinking. And it will be true until it changes. I don't know what will change it. I simply try to have faith and to keep going, keep creating in the meanwhile.

That I did quit and did it in the situation I was in, resulted in more hatred. It was this new strand. More resentment, more envy. Many people are very dependent on alcohol. I was aware of this, but I became even more aware of it after I stopped. I was paying a different kind of attention.

Had I kept drinking, I would have died in my forties in all likelihood, and these people in publishing would have won.

They were a major reason why I stopped.

I stopped by stopping.

That was my technique. That's all it was. I stopped on the last day of a week, so that I could use numbers to help me; that is, the next day was a brand new week. It was the new book, the new story. Not the middle of another one.

I didn't have a support system. I didn't have anyone friendly towards me. I didn't have any encouragement. I was all alone then, as I am now.

When I stopped, I stopped. I didn't stop for four days, then go back, then stop again.

I went from 150 drinks a week, to zero drinks a week.

I didn't waver.

I experienced physical changes immediately. My face started to thin out. I had no negative physical effects. I didn't get the shakes or anything.

That first year after I stopped drinking, I walked 3000 miles again. I also ran on flat ground.

After that first year is when I started running stairs.

I was not a Zulu warrior until after I stopped drinking. I was not in a position to become a Zulu warrior, which takes a great deal.

Ironically, I would panic now if I drank at all. It is so bad for you. There's no good in consuming any amount of alcohol. You see it in study after study. Three drinks a week can do so much damage. Then there is the relationship between drinking and cancer. The stress of two or three drinks a week would be real stress for me on top of so much extreme stress.

For several years, I continued to take the milk thistle, on account of my liver and whatever damage I may have done. I don't take it anymore, but I do cut up three to five pieces of lemon and put the pieces in my water bottles, so that most of the time when I drink water, I'm getting the lemon juice as well. I would do this regardless of anything liver-related, because it's very healthy. I've always liked lemon, too, so might as well put that to use. Vitamin C is good fro the liver, though.

It was time. I knew it was time. It was past time in one way, yes, I certainly don't deny that. But it was life and death by that time, which, again, could very well have meant these evil people winning. I am--and was--well aware of how much they actually would like to know that I was dead.

No one even really asked how I was doing with this, the same as with anything else. If someone did ask, it would be someone I didn't know that well. There was a bartender, for instance, at the bar I went to at Faneuil Hall on Sunday afternoons. By myself. I continued to go after I stopped drinking, for some time yet. Instead of alcohol, I had cranberry juice.

These people would be curious more than anything. About the concept and the logistics.

No one has ever asked if I was, or if I am, still not drinking. One person recently told me that because it was me, and because I could do anything, they had no doubt that I hadn't taken a drink, which is why they've never asked.

That was never, and is not, my attitude.

I don't assume. I always say--to myself--"Go out and earn the day."

I'm that way with everything. If I just created the 500 greatest works in the history of humankind, the one I was doing next would be the most important to me, and none of those that had come before would matter. I'd be starting all over again. It would then be up to me, as if I'd never done it before, to create the greatest work in the history of humankind. Go out and earn the day. Don't assume the day. Earn the day. Earn the work.

Sleep was an issue at first. Wakefulness. But I knew that before too long the issue would resolve itself. That I'd adjust.

I filled the time of that wakefulness. I made the most of it. I read, I watched, I listened, I learned, I thought.

I am not an alcoholic, but I drank more than many alcoholics.

I could have a drink now and that would be that, but I don't because of the peace of mind that not drinking at all gives me. Also, because I've worked to create this streak. I wouldn't say that I'm proud of it, but I do curate it. I can't control a lot in my life at present. I can control being the best artist who has ever lived. I can control not drinking. I also knew that in order for the former to pay off, and for me to be around while it's paying off in all of the ways it can, the latter needed to happen. That was also strong motivation. Between that, and not letting these evil people win, I would say that you can't have stronger motivation.

I'm pretty much alone every second of every year--I am probably more alone and in more ways than anyone has ever been--but I never had any problem with anyone drinking around me. I never had a problem in bars, but if I went it was during the day, with a book, to read and watch a game, be it the Red Sox, Bruins, Patriots, or Celtics. Daytime simply because you can do that then, and it's harder at night to sit there in peace.

There was a bar at the end of my street and sometimes I'd go to that establishment at night for a cranberry juice. Not many people went there. The bartender was named Carlene. So, there's a bit of trivia for the people who are familiar with "Fitty," and the people who later become familiar with it and then see this entry in this record.