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Generator

Thursday 2/22/24

These have been dark days. All days have been dark for a long time. Some days are dark and dangerous, and the past few days have been especially so. Days where it takes everything not to give in. If I give in, I'll die. Having let go of the rope, I won't be able to grab a hold of it again. But if that happens, what I have for the world will not get to the world, what I can do for the world won't matter. I am trying to keep a grip on the rope. There are so many thousands of things to overcome. I awake each day exhausted and with a headache, and I know the evil standing in front of me, and I know all there is to overcome in the world. What people don't do, how they are, how they think. Each day I know that I will create more of the best writing and art that has ever been made, and it's not going to matter on that day. All I can try to do is keep going, keep creating, and having faith--or finding faith--that in doing so, things will break. The nightmare will break. The hell will break. The torture. The injustice. But that's what I get up to every day, that's what I face, that's all there is. That's the whole of my life. I'm alone. I'm feared, envied. Even people who pull for me or at least don't root against me are so intimidated by my mind that they cannot treat or act towards anything I create the way they would with anyone else. I stand entirely alone. It's just me against so much. The things I create constantly, at the same time, are so unlike anything anyone has ever been able to create. But it doesn't matter. More of it, or another kind of it, won't matter today. It will only matter when the day comes that it does. Right now I'm going to try to keep things simple. To just do something. So that I'm not laying here just wanting to die and thinking about it. There's a generator inside of me that presently is working at a low level, such that you have to put your hand on it to see if it's going, or give it a kick to make it hum, while waiting for the main power to kick back on. Little things are important right now. Just so there's something. Things of movement, anything to stop from totally giving in. That's where I'm at on this Thursday. But I'm also not going to lose to these people.



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