Pre-Zulu anniversary

Tuesday 3/19/24

Woke up with another headache. That's every morning now since I started wearing this night guard. Feeling like this isn't going to fix the problem. I slept for six hours straight, though, which hopefully is some indication I don't have the apnea. I have no reason to think I have it save these headaches. When I looked up "headaches in the morning" one of the potential reasons was the apnea, so of course I was like, "Oh shit" because I am not reasonable with medical matters.

The before and after COVID photos on Facebook are quite illuminating I find. People really used this thing that wasn't a thing as an excuse to stop doing anything. There is nothing people will accept more readily and faster than an excuse.

I've never heard this mourning dove who must live in the area being more vocal than yesterday. Usually it's most audibly evident in the morning, but it was most of yesterday.

Today is the anniversary of the day in March 2012 when my wife at the time, Molly, without a word of warning, a single comment that anything was wrong, and months after acquiring a house, put her plan in motion and ghosted me at the level of a marriage by leaving when I was not there. Gone. Destroyed a prenuptial agreement (as in, actually got hold of and destroyed my copy), hired multiple lawyers to take me on, took everything. This person who had implored me to trust her with everything, in everything. Never so much as a single comment along the lines of "I'm not keen about this." Not one.

She had already been married, and ex-husband the first thought she was insane. I learned that he called her "my crazy ex-wife." Of course, I only knew what she told me from the narrative she'd decided to use. She'd tell me stories about how he tried to kill her by loosening the tire on her car so that it would come off when she was driving. I realized later these were all lies. I bet he didn't do much, and I'm sure he didn't do any of that. There will be a book about this. It will be all there for everyone to see. That's not the business of right now, but if one thinks that there's any way I would leave this earth before all of that is told, then one doesn't know me at all. It was with this evil, coward of a person that I became aware of something so beyond hate that it's like you don't feel it as anger.

You're calm. It's like a hate that's lapped itself a million times. Something far more than hate. You're composed. Because it's so total that it's more than total, if that makes sense, and if you got caught up in a any part of it, it'd take over your life, and your hate--by which I mean, this thing beyond hate--is so well-composed and justified and natural and even organized, that it takes all into account, including the respect that you have for yourself. And that respect you have for yourself and who you are and want to be prevents you from allowing this evil monstrosity, this worst of the betrayers, in my case, this greatest of all cowards, from having any say, residual or otherwise, in your humanness.

No matter if things ever work out, and I get to where I'm trying to get to, and I have all I deserve and want, and, more importantly, the impact to the fullest degree to which it is merited, this will be an important day for me. What happened and what it did to me--I had a stroke, among other things--is really a blip compared to publishing, but that's because publishing is so much mechanized evil where it's thousands and thousands of people. It's just bigger. That day changed me, because it put me in something unlike what I've ever known anyone else to be put in. You look for commonality. I've never encountered anyone who had something like that happen to them that way. I've been alone basically ever since, but more and more alone, because I keep evolving. The problem of my life is one of greatness. People do not want it. They want things and people like themselves. This is the single biggest issue for me to solve. To reverse, if you will. I have to find a way, in my case, to make the opposite true.

I became a different person, though, starting with that day. The things I do that are not seemingly human? I started becoming the person who was that way on that day. 800 stories have been written since then. Among everything else. That's when the walking began, and the walking became the stair-running in time. I was not a Zulu warrior on this day in 2012. I was a long, long ways away from being a Zulu warrior. I became the strongest person there has ever been, because I had to be. And now I must be that person still, and more than ever, and keep getting stronger. Find a way.